


Of Mysteries and Gifts of God

by epsi_pepsi



Series: Old Love But In Shapes That Renew [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Well - Freeform, aaron does, but i wont spoil more haha, kind of, part of the olbistr verse, they finally talk abt their pasts guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 21:16:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9922463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epsi_pepsi/pseuds/epsi_pepsi
Summary: A few weeks into their relationship, Aaron was plagued with the thought of his life before. But not the life as Aaron Burr, the politician and vice president, but this one. There weren’t many memories from former lives he could mix up with the ones of this life since they always seemed to be blurrier than anything else, so the death of his parents and his sister leaving him were as fresh as they could be. It didn’t help that their death’s anniversary was coming up soon.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello hello!  
> welcome to this clusterfuck that took way too long to write. and honestly, im not very happy with it. some things i rly rly love abt this, others i literally despise. but i didnt want to keep it from u longer than i already have so shurg emoji. 
> 
> anyway, this is part of the olbistr verse and i'd suggest u read that but i cant tell u what to do. i dont think there are any triggers but if u do end up finding some ?? tell me. i want yall to be safe <33
> 
> title was inspired by this http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/3929-yesterday-is-history-tomorrow-is-a-mystery-today-is-a
> 
> have fun reading this loves

A few weeks into their relationship, Aaron was plagued with the thought of his life before. But not the life as Aaron Burr, the politician and vice president, but this one. There weren’t many memories from former lives he could mix up with the ones of this life since they always seemed to be blurrier than anything else, so the death of his parents and his sister leaving him were as fresh as they could be. It didn’t help that their death’s anniversary was coming up soon.

 

Aaron tried not to linger in the past too much, it simply didn’t make sense and it certainly didn’t make him feel better, but as apparently seemed to be his hobby, the time between going to bed and actually falling asleep was spent with these exact thoughts. Why didn’t his parents survive? Why didn’t he die along with them in the accident? Why didn’t Sarah stay after she married Reeve? And most importantly, and also the question Aaron knew to be the most stupid but it still tortured his mind, was it all somehow his fault? Had he brought the misfortune he had experienced in his former life with him into this one? How was it going to affect the people he knew and loved now?

 

Aaron was lying in bed, on his back and staring holes into the ceiling when the door opened and in the light of the full moon shining through the window, he saw Alexander entering with his hair falling almost completely out his bun and his clothes disheveled. Alexander tried to be as quiet as possible when moving around the room and dressing for bed but eventually he did turn around to face the bed to discover Aaron watching him. The look of surprise on his face melted to something fond and he smiled. 

 

“Hey, I thought you were asleep already,” Alexander said softly before crawling under the covers next to Aaron. Said man smiled and let Alexander lie his head onto his shoulder.

 

“I’m not, I was just thinking.” Aaron replied just as softly and pressed a small kiss to Alexander’s forehead. 

 

“What were you thinking about?” He knew that Alexander’s question was meant to be innocent, but it still made Aaron think. Maybe he could tell Alexander about his thoughts and find some understanding and it was better to talk about feelings before they became bottled up. 

 

“I’m...lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my life before.” Aaron simply said, letting the sentence hang in the air for a while. Alexander turned so that he could look at his boyfriend’s face and his big eyes were worried, searching Aaron’s face.

 

“You know that you don’t have to be guilty about what you - he did, right? I already said that I forgive you, right? And before, I did too, I swear it wasn’t to guilt you or to be an asshole. I did and do forgive you and you should not feel guilty because of that. I love you and I will forever do so and there is no force that can stop me. You could kill me again and I would forgive you again and again, okay?”

 

Aaron suppressed a sigh and looked away from his boyfriend’s face. That wasn’t what he had tried to say and it wasn’t Alexander’s fault for misunderstanding; the whole reincarnation thing was hard to grasp and understand at times, especially when talking about separate lives. But now that Alex had mentioned the rather sore subject, thoughts started rushing into Aaron’s head. He willed them away with a short shake of his head.

 

“I don’t- That’s not what I meant. I was thinking more like my life  _ now  _ before, before I met you.” Alexander averted his eyes with a furrowed brow, a sign that he wasn’t ready to go there yet. “And it’s alright, I don’t have to know what happened before but I just …  I think we should know at some point.” Aaron thought back to what Laurens had hinted at again and again - ‘It’s not my story to tell.’

 

“I get that, Aaron,” Alex broke the short silence between them, but he was still not looking at the other man, “but it’s hard for me to trust people, you know that. And I don’t want to say that I don’t trust you, but I’d rather have this conversation when I’m not half-asleep and drained, okay?” With that, he finally looked up, and Aaron swore he could see Alex’ eyes sparkling with tears.

 

But Alexander was right, this was definitely not going to be a talk they would have right before going to sleep so he just nodded.

 

“You’re right.” He said softly, looking back at Alex and pressing a soft kiss his forehead. Alexander was still looking at Aaron intensely but eventually he put his head back onto his boyfriend’s shoulder. Without another word, Aaron tried to relax but not even a single thought of sleeping came to him while he listened to Alex’s breathing slowing down and morphing into a quiet snore on every exhale. He waited for a bit more, then even more, until it was close to 4AM and Aaron’s eyes hurt from being open for so long but he couldn’t stop watching Alex, alive and breathing, on his chest. 

 

“I don’t ever want to kill you again,” He whispered into the empty dark of the room and splayed his hand over his ribs, right where the bullet had hit him last time. 

 

*

 

The next morning was busy with getting to college at the same time and during class, they rarely had the chance to talk. Aaron had to stay at school longer than Alex did, so they again couldn’t meet up. Upon arriving home sometime in the late afternoon, Alexander was already deep in his work and, after sharing a sweet kiss, Aaron joined him on the couch and they worked next to each other for the next few hours.

 

Eventually they stumbled into bed, kissing at every piece of skin they could reach and quickly shedding their clothes. In a post-orgasmic haze, both of them fell asleep quickly, even Aaron didn’t think about the conversation they had not even 24 hours ago.

 

And so it went on for the rest of the week, they saw each other in the morning, during and after class, but they never had real time to talk about something they both knew they should talk about. But Aaron preferred to not talk about something like that, to keep it hidden behind a mask and suppress it. Alexander, Aaron knew, preferred to get things over with quickly but if he knew that the topic wasn’t done quickly, he would submerge himself in his work to lose all thoughts about anything that didn’t have to do with the task at hand.

 

But by Friday, Aaron had at least sometimes tried to think about his life before and had also gathered enough courage to finally sit down and have that talk. Though Aaron had worked on distinguishing his lives, they had still been familiar in so many ways that the things that were different often confused him, especially childhood memories which were hazy in any case. So on Friday, when school ended, Aaron waited for Alexander so that they could take the train home together. When he saw his boyfriend walk out in deep conversation with Angelica, a small smile came to his face and when Alexander spotted him, he waved with a smile big enough to make the saddest person happy again.

 

“Hey,” Alex greeted him and Aaron kissed his cheek, then turned to Angelica. She was stunning as usual, her hair open and wearing a pink coat with black pants. 

 

“Hello, Aaron,” She greeted as well, smiling as she looked between them. “Well, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone, but don’t forget: Disney night is at yours today.” She walked away with a tiny wave before disappearing behind a building.

 

“You already have the snacks, right?” Alexander asked when they started walking as well, his tinier hand in Aaron’s. Aaron simply nodded, lost in thought about how he should approach the subject he was hopefully going to talk about at home. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, opening up about his childhood, but he wanted to open up like that, possibly creating a way for Alexander to talk about his childhood as well. It had been important to their lives before, why shouldn’t it be now?

 

“Aaron, are you alright?” Alexander eventually pulled him out of his thoughts. “I’m used to you being quiet, but I feel like you’re not even listening to me right now.” He looked kind of hurt, his eyes just crinkling slightly and Aaron knew he was trying to hide it so he mustered a weak smile and tugged on his boyfriend’s hand.

 

“I’m sorry, but I’m just thinking.” He said cryptically, knowing that the answer wasn’t going to soothe Alex’s non-stop mind, so he also pressed a short kiss onto his cheek. “I’ll tell you when we’re home, yeah?” Alexander only nodded, but he looked just a little less worried now. 

 

The train ride was spent with Aaron silently debating with himself whether he was nervous or not, and  _ obviously _ , he wasn’t because it was just going to be a simple task to talk to his boyfriend. The exact boyfriend who sensed that the topic of their upcoming conversation would be serious because he leaned against Aaron’s chest in a comforting gesture. It reminded him so much of their first week together that his heart physically hurt. 

 

They had been through so much together, just in the last few months, learning new things about each other and relearning the old, that talking seemed to have been pushed back. There hadn’t been much more talking after their first week together, when all they seemed to do was talking or not talking, but now it was just this much more significant. 

 

A walk home through the cold later, they were shedding their coats at the door and Aaron felt almost sick to his stomach with anticipation. He tried to divert his thoughts from the topic by thinking about how fast the holidays were approaching and that he should probably go gift-shopping with either Theodosia or Angelica, or maybe both. The two of them seemed to get along fine and he loved both of them, so why not? Theo had always been awesome at picking gifts and Angelica had enough practice with her sisters, so they could help as well, because he really did not know what to get Laurens and-

 

“Aaron?” He turned towards Alexander, who was standing in the doorway to their bedroom, already clad in sweatpants and his hair out of his usual bun. “You’ve been standing there since we came in.” He stated and with a bit of hesitation, he added, “Are you sure you’re okay?” Aaron took a deep breath before tugging off his shoes and taking his boyfriend’s hand to pull him over to the couch.

 

“Just know, that I am indeed okay and that I’m just terribly, terribly nervous.” Alexander wanted to open his mouth but Aaron held up a hand. “I want you to stay silent for as long as I’m telling you about this, because it’s important to me and I don’t think that I’m going to be able to continue once I stop, okay?” Alex hesitated for only a few moments before nodding and sinking back into the cushions but still holding Aaron’s hand. And so he began to tell.

 

*

 

When Aaron was around five years old, he lost both of his parents in a car crash. His father  had been driving, his mother had been turning around to smile at him sitting in the backseat while she told a story when another car slammed into their left-hand side, effectively crushing the front side of their car against a wall. He had been left with only a few bruises and cuts and without parents. 

 

He and his sister Sarah had been taken in by their grandparents, before first their grandfather and then their grandmother succumbed to old age and illness. The siblings were put into the system before their maternal uncle, Timothy Edwards, took them in. Living with him was better than living in some orphanage, but it still wasn’t what was best for the children, then almost seven and nine. 

 

They lived with their uncle and his new wife in New Jersey while Aaron made his way through school, wishing to become a lawyer, and while Sarah became engaged to a friend of the family, Tapping Reeve. She later left him for her growing family, leaving him with a tiny apartment without any family, except for his uncle, whom Aaron had left almost as soon as he turned 18. 

 

And now, at almost 22, he found himself here.

 

*

 

Alexander was still holding his hand after he stopped, but it was tighter now, having tightened as soon as he had realized what Aaron was talking about. Aaron was desperately looking at Alex, trying to see any kind of reaction, but the other was just staring at the wall opposite of him without saying a word. Aaron squeezed his hand, trying to evoke anything, regardless of emotion, but Alexander just sat there. Eventually, after a few minutes, he turned to Aaron however and opened his mouth several times as if to say something, but quickly closed it again.

 

“Aaron, I-” He started then, still looking his boyfriend dead in the eye, “I know that this was hard for you and I thank you for trusting me so much, but I … I can’t. Not yet, Aaron, I’m sorry.” And Aaron was prepared to shake his head, to assure his boyfriend that everything was fine and that he didn’t expect anything from Alexander but the doorbell rang and Alex let go off his hand to open the door, leaving Aaron on the couch.

 

“Yo, suckers!” Came Peggy’s voice from the hallway, accompanied by xyr sisters’ snickers and a loud hoot from either Lafayette or Laurens. Aaron took a deep breath before standing up and turning towards the doorway of the living room. Mulligan entered first, then Lafayette and Peggy, in deep conversation, then Laurens and Eliza with Maria on her arm and Angelica, and lastly, Alexander. 

 

Aaron forced a smile at the group and accepted Eliza’s hug. She pulled away with a smile and he did his best to reciprocate it but Eliza had always been too good at seeing through someone. She frowned at him, then looked over at Alex and back. Aaron nodded slightly. 

 

“Aaron and I are gonna prepare the snacks! John, you want to join us?” She asked into the group while already marching towards the kitchen. Laurens looked at Aaron but upon seeing the look the other gave him, he followed Eliza. Aaron looked around the room, seeing the looks everyone was giving them, before excusing himself and following as well.

 

Eliza was indeed taking the snacks from their usual spot and Aaron moved to pull some bowls out of the cupboard. They didn’t talk for a while, Laurens standing by the table and watching them. He was the one who eventually broke the silence.

 

“So, what is this about? The meeting of the gays?” Eliza snorted but quickly sobered up again. She turned to lean against the counter and expectantly looked at Aaron, who quickly averted his eyes. 

 

“It wasn’t anything serious, we just had a conversation we couldn’t finish, is all.” He didn’t exactly lie, but he also didn’t inclose the entire truth. He didn’t even fully know why the tension had suddenly appeared between Alexander and him. It  _ probably  _ was because they couldn’t finish their conversation, but Aaron wasn’t so sure after he looked up to see Laurens looking at him.

 

“Are you sure that’s all?” He asked, obviously knowing that something else had expired. Aaron sighed in slightly annoyance over how much Laurens knew about Alexander. He turned around to transfer some chips from their bag into a bowl.

 

“Laurens kept dropping hints to something that happened in Alexander’s past and I care about him and I want him to trust me so I thought about it. I know that before everything bad happened to him in his childhood, so I was like ‘Hey, maybe if I tell him all about my horrible childhood now, maybe he’ll want to talk about his!’ Obviously, this did not work out because-” Aaron slammed the empty chips bag onto the counter- “I’m a huge fucking sea sponge without a brain.” 

 

It was quiet for a while and Aaron didn’t dare to look at either Eliza or Laurens because they knew Alexander better; before and now. They knew how not to make mistakes regarding Alex and they knew how he ticked and how he worked and how we would take things and how not to scare him off. Aaron closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before finally turning around. Laurens was staring at him and he didn’t know if it was good or bad, but Eliza had this strange look on her face that could have meant literally anything- but now she was laughing. It was loud and there were a few snorts and she turned to hit the counter a few times and goddamn, if he were straight Aaron would have fallen in love with her right that instance.

 

“You-!” She pressed out, lying her head onto her arms, “You called yourself a sea sponge, what the heck!” And she took the bowl of chips Aaron had left and returned to the living room, still roaring with laughter. Which left Laurens and Aaron alone.

 

“Well, it was pretty funny,” Laurens said, looking after Eliza, “But, just so you know, you could have handled the Alex situation better.” Aaron rolled his eyes at him and turned around the transfer some other snacks into bowls.

 

“Yeah, no fucking shit, wiseass.” He muttered and Laurens scoffed.

 

“Fuck off.” He said before he left the kitchen.

 

*

 

It was around 1AM when everyone had left. The living room was a mess because it apparently wasn’t common courtesy to help clean up in this group but Aaron was tired and he knew he would regret it in the morning, but he wasn’t going to clean up right then. He was sitting on the couch, checking his phone while Alex had left to go to the bathroom. However, a soft ‘hey’ made him look up. Alex was standing in the doorway to their bedroom, wearing only his sweater and underwear. And if it wasn’t still weird between them, Aaron would have smiled and called him cute and they could have made out on the couch.

 

“I know that- y’know, there’s something weird between us right now but I still want you to sleep in the bed today, if you want to. I get cold easily.” Alex wasn’t even looking at Aaron, instead the floor seemed more interesting. Aaron looked at his phone one more time before standing up and walking by Alex to get ready for bed.

 

And after Aaron got into bed on his side, Alexander didn’t crawl on top of him like always. And that kind of hurt, because Aaron had broken something small between them which had huge results. Wasn’t there a word for that? He had read it somewhere, he was sure. But there was nothing to do now, he wasn’t about to get his phone out and be blinded just for finding out a stupid word to describe his current situation. And before Aaron could beat himself over even more, Alexander’s hand searched for his under the duvet and soon they were holding hands.

 

“My mom, my dad and I came to America when I was around five.” 

 

That’s all Aaron got to know about Alex that night, but it was enough. Alexander would always be enough. 

**Author's Note:**

> so i hope u enjoyed that?? i kind of had aaron's past planned but not rly but i pieced it together with the help of burr's wikipedia article and another website which gave me information abt his sister bc she does not have a wikipedia page, sadly. 
> 
> but yeah. i also have alex's past planned out as well but i dont think hes on that level of trust yet so i didnt want to have him spill it out like aaron. and dont worry, their relationship is good but sometimes u have hiccups.
> 
> well anyway, u can follow me on tumblr petit-hammie and twitters and instagram petit_hammie and !! i made a youtube account to post speedpaints and maybe some animatics on?? here it is: https://www.youtube.com/user/LeylaLoveson/


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